WASHINGTON (in the future that is getting to the point of working for everyone, albeit slowly) The President of the United States has fallen into a medically induced coma, suspected to be brought on by none other than his ex-wife, Melania Trump.
Those alive in 2016 remember the election: Donald Trump v. Hillary Clinton. In that year, the world watched in fascination and in horror as his supporters rose. When it came time for the 2020 election, they had garnered so much power, they were able to pull off one of the largest ever instances of voter suppression in democratic history. Those who tried to vote against Trump were gunned down mercilessly. Change was prevented at any cost.
But this does not hold a candle to the 2024 election, or rather the lack thereof. Through a series of carefully worded unchangeable executive orders co-authored by Steve Bannon and Mike Pence, Trump was able to block anyone else from entering the election, effectively turning the U.S. from the first ever democracy to one of the most brutal dictatorships.
In his eighteen years in office, Trump has cut the rights of anyone who wasn’t a straight, cis, white male to almost nothing. His almost two decades of power have seen more change than any other power figure in American history had seen. These changes ranged from the closing of all schools except those approved by Devose, the complete melting of the arctic coupled by some of the worse air pollution in the world, and countless wars and drafts. Also in those years, Melania Trump disappeared, presumed dead, possibly murdered, by many. The one thing that stayed constant in these long eighteen years, was the President’s vigilance on his favourite platform: Twitter.
The U.S. found it laughable when he was first elected in 2016, and Melania declared her mission as First Lady would be putting an end to cyber bullying. After all, the country’s largest cyber bully was her very husband. But it appears, though it took a while, she was serious. Deadly so.
Exactly one week ago, Nordstroms issued a press release stating that the company had been bought for an exorbitant fee: “an amount only possible to obtain from government embezzling or something of the sort” (Walling for Nordstroms) and were under the new management of a woman going by M. Knavs (Knavs is, of course, Melania’s original last name before changing it to Knauss and later Trump).
Security footage from three days later from the Gold House shows a woman of Melania’s stature and build breaking and entering into Mr. Trump’s bedroom corners at about 3:30 AM. The trespasser then injects him with a mysterious red substance from a syringe before slipping back out undetected, due to the lack of security.
A few hours ago, Mr. Trump took to his national live broadcast for his weekly rally speech to the nation. It was then that whatever was in the syringe took hold, and just a few minutes into consoling the country about the devastating effects of the cost of The Wall, Donald Trump dropped to his knees, wheezing, before passing out. He has not since woken up.
Before the cameras were shut down, a woman from the crew took to the broadcast. In a heavy Slovenian accent, identical to Melania’s the country heard
“Donald is asleep now, and his return will not be soon. I, due to marital arrangements that were never cleared, am technically next in line for the throne, however, I will instead hand this weighty title on to my dear friend and comrade, Bernie Sanders who has the training needed to be a successful president. After his four-year term is up, there shall be another election. America is a democracy once more. Through first-hand experience, I am aware of the inhumanity Donald has unleashed upon this broken nation, hurting all in his path, fans or otherwise. As Secretary of Humanity, my first call to action–healing this gaping wound. The money that has been going to the wars will now be directed toward providing free psycotherapy and aid to all who need it, as I hereby declare a state of peace between the U.S. and all other nations. I understand that Donald has done a lot of horrible things to this country and a lot of time and hard work will be needed to be able to fix it, however, I believe we can undo this hatred through the advocation and practice of love. This time, we really do have a chance at ‘making America great again’. So onward, fellow citizens, to a better tomorrow where we truly are the United States of America.”